Wait, You’re A Latina ? 

There is nothing more confusing than being a mixed kid. 

When I was little, I was the only girl at church with darker features. Everyone else had blonde hair and bright eyes. 

At first, this didn’t bother me. I thought I was the coolest thing being half Puerto Rican. When you’re small, race doesn’t seem to exist. You’re just all people together that look a bit different. 

Once I hit the age of 10, race began to be real. All my peers began to talk about it because we now knew what it meant. This is when life became confusing. 

I have a white mom, but a Puerto Rican dad. What was I? My school records said Hispanic, but everyone said that I was white.  I had no clue where my identity was.

By 12, I was at the awkward stage that we all wish was buried away from the world. I had gone through a school year of torment and now was even more confused about my identity but I was also angry. 

I hated how I looked. I wasn’t like the other girls who seemed to have it all. Their golden locks always so pretty and their really cool looking eyes. I felt so plain. 

I tried everything to fit in with the super preppy girls. They had the life I thought I wanted . When I entered high school, I still had no real idea of who I was. I just had an image I was trying to replicate. 

The voices in my head would constantly remind me of the ugliness and self hatred I had towards my body. It didn’t help when I entered the great big world of boys . Those girls blessed with locks of sunshine and brilliant blue eyes seemed to catch the attention of boys all the time. I didn’t attract much at all. The voices told me very clearly ” look at them, they’ve got the full package, you’re just the ugly duckling silly!” 

Seventeen  is when things began to shift. I was rebuilding myself again after another very rough year. This time around, I told myself I was sick of the lies. I wanted to be authenticly me. 

This started with looking to my past. I found so many amazing ancestors, from both sides. My pride in my heritage grew rapidly and suddenly, I didn’t see being mixed as a burden. 

I have stories of resilience threaded through my history. The white side has some of the first United States citizens and  pioneers . The Puerto Rican side has slavery, immigrants and native islanders. 

Now, I live with pride. I’m in love with the heritage I posses 
Being more aware of my heritage has brought a new found sense of fight to me. Seeing the injustice breaks my heart and the fight for immigrants makes me remember the family that came to the United States for its dreams and freedom. 

I’m blessed that I can see both sides. This mixed thing isn’t as confusing. I know for the rest of my life I’ll struggle slightly but, I’d rather know that I’m something wonderful. 

Reguardless of what group I feel I belong in , I’ll always know that I’m a melting pot of strong willed people and that is no where near confusing. 

6 Months

As of today, June 20th, I will have been officially dating him for a half of a year. We met in the seventh grade. We were stand partners in one of the smallest cello sections I’ve been in. There were only 4 of us and automatically, I felt a gravitation towards him. To this day, I can’t tell you why. All I knew was that he was important and I needed to stick with him.

 

Once we hit high school, we were pretty much inseparable

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Every orchestra festival, there was always a seat saved. We’d joke around, listen to amazing music and just have a great time.

Sophomore year, we both advanced into the next group. We still sat together during festival and gradually spent more time together. Both of us signed up for pit orchestra and had the best time of our lives. We even spent time together on a school trip to California, even though we were on separate buses.

 

 

I was going through some of the toughest things  I had faced and didn’t audition to move up. He on the other hand, was so incredibly talented and went for it. He made it. All of a sudden , I realized. Here is the separation. I don’t want it at all.

Junior year, we didn’t see each other much. Orchestra festivals were our time but it was rare. A seat was still saved, but it was a bit sad. January hit and with buzz over Sadie Hawkins and the up coming New York trip, I decided to ask him to the dance. He said yes and we started texting back an forth.

When we landed in New York, he checked in on me as we loaded up the bus, knowing my fear of flying. He still saved a seat for me on the bus and we toured the city together. These memories are something I will remember forever.

 

It was a whirlwind. The best whirlwind. We came home at midnight on Friday and the dance was Saturday.

 

 

He was terribly sick but wanted me to have a fun night. And that we did. Everything was fantastic. But I made sure he get sufficient rest after it was all done

 

For that point forward, we never stopped texting. Every week I realized that I was falling and super hard. I knew the feelings had been housed there for a while, I just ignored them. Now, there was no ignoring. It had become physically impossible.

We were together just about everyday that summer. He saw me through a house flood, I saw him through the death of his beloved dog. We leaned on each other more than ever.

 

Senior year arrived and we were super close again. We had lunch together and so many memories were created.

 

We went on lots of adventures that first semester. Mall scavenger hunts, ice skating , lanterns and the symphony. It was kinda magical.

December hit and I was stressed to the max, as was he. So we went for fro yo as usual to just treat ourselves. I was spilling my guts about my stress and some how we got to the topic of dating and feelings. I hinted, so did he but neither said a word. I had said everything else and my soul was feeling really light but that feeling was so heavy. So I let it go. I spilled it to him. And it felt so good.

To my surprise, he spilled his guts a bit too. The feelings were oh so mutual. We decided to postpone a relationship talk till after finals.  The day school let out, we got fro yo and had the talk. Our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend began. That day was December 20th.

April came and prom asks were happening left and right. And I got mine, a simple rose IMG_1148

He listened to me go on and on about Beauty and the Beast and decided I needed a prince for the ball and a rose of my own. I couldn’t be more excited.

And then it happened

Senior Prom. Just as I had imagined it when I was little. I spent the night dancing my feet till they were blistered and enjoying a night with a dreamy guy, in a beautiful dress . It was the cliche high school movie ending.

May

 

We reached the end. Laughter, tears and happiness all in one night. We had stood by each other for 6 years. This night was no different.

And now we cut to present time. June 20th, half a year  later.  It’s been an amazing half and I look forward to more if God so permits. I can’t thank the Lord enough for him. He is my guardian angel and my support . What the future holds is unclear but, as I reflect on this big milestone, I know that I would relive these 6 months in a heartbeat. So here’s to more Kelton.

Keep smiling handsome.

-Jocelyn